Like all of you, I can't believe that I'm in the position to be writing on this board. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. There have been problems in our marriage, and for some reason neither of us fully addressed them with one another, but we've always been a very bonded team - not a couple who seemed to be growing apart at all. So, althought he was very unhappy about certain aspects of our relationship and would mention it to me quickly in passing, he never sat down with me and really explained just how difficult some things had become for him. I've been a bit of a lunatic - going through menopause, and he's just turned 53. Recently, he's gotten into Facebook and had a small reunion at the end of January with some of his pals from High School. Evidently, one of those people was a woman who he is now "seriously" involved with. From what I know, they met that once and began communication via email and phone. 2 weeks into the "connection" she was sending emails and text messages declaring her love for him - remember this is after only one meeting with other people around. I found one of these messages 3 weeks age and confronted him. He told me that he has been unhappy for a long time and that he met someone who he thought there was a real possibility with. He said that there had been no physical contact and that they had decided that it was imperative that things go slowly. He had planned to stay with me, go to therapy, possibly go to therapy with me and see where things were at. I said that was fine - we could do all of that right now, but he had to let go of this woman. No deal.
The day after discovery, we went to my therapist who layed the groundrules for him - either work on you marriage and stay home, or move out. Can't have it both ways. I'm sure that this was a sudden and shocking turn of events for him, but his choice was too leave, which he did one week later. He is not financially secure right now, so he's been crashing at a friends house and trying to get by. The OW has an 11 year old daughter, so he spends only weekends with her (she lives about an hour away,)

My husband is an active member of AA - sober for 8 years, but he seems to be in a frenzied addiction to this woman. A few days after I found out, while he was still living in our house, he spent the night with her. Then, I snooped and found a love letter that he wrote to her professing undying devotion and planning to spend their lives together. Remember - although he went to HS with her (and they didn't know each other well at the time), they only first met up again at the end of January and had seen each other only twice at this pont. So, his decision that he had found "his girl" and that his life has finally brought him to his true love had been made after less than 3 weeks and 2 meetings. But now he's saying "I've known her for 40 years" because they met in High School. He's also been telling friends that he lived in a lie for 16 years, that our sex life was dormant for 16 years (completely untrue - the last few years have been pretty spotty, but that happens in many marriages.)
Needless to say, I'm devastated, terrified, and desperate. I understand that she is a sparkly drug right now and nothing in the world can convince him that she isn't what he's been looking for his whole life. But he's given up everything - me, my family (he has very little family left and sees my family as his), his wonderful pets who he loves so much (no kids, but we are huge animal lovers.)

He wrote me a gut-wrenchingly beautiful letter before he left about our 16 years together and how he must move on. Our relationship has been troubled and we are very dependent on one another. He says that he wants to stand on his own two feet and finally figure out who he is, but he's clearly not doing that. Despite the problems, we have always been a very bonded team - a tight couple. My therapist said that in all her years of doing therapy, only 3 couples had shaken her to the core when their marriages ended - the other two were close friends, and the third is us.No one who knows us can believe this is happening. He has been very dependent on me for many things - I was more of the take charge - get things done person in the relationship and I can't imagine how he's going to deal.
He has left most of his things here and took only a suitcase. As I said, we have no kids, but 5 animals who are like our kids. We have an old dog that he absolutely adores. Because I work far away, we have arranged that he will stop by each day to walk the dog. While I'd prefer not to have him here at all, the dog is very old and very attached to him and I don't want to do that to him.

There has been no contact between us in 2 weeks aside from emails. He calls from time to time and leaves messages, but I only respond via email. I confronted him when I found out that he was telling lies about our relationship and reducing it to a terrible mistake. His reaction was huge - 3 long emails, 2 voicemails crying about how much he's hurt me etc. But absolutely no interest in coming home. He's living like a gypsy and no one can figure our how he's going to make it. I personally think this is a severe midlife crisis and that he's going to end up crashing and burning and in some ways I'm actually concerned for him. But then I realize that he believes that he has found the love of his life and that he will do whatever necessary to keep that relationship going.

He wants me to meet with him and take the dog for a walk in the park, or possible see my therapist for a visit. Not to get back together - he's still COMPLETELY immersed in his new love - but to talk some more. I've agreed to meet at the therapist and possibly take the walk, so now he seems to feel we are best buds. Not so. I plan to limit contact even further after we meet. He really needs to see what life is without me.

So much more to write, but I can't make this so long. I want him back, and that's the bottom line. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi debanne, welcome to SYMC. Funny how history is rewritten so quickly with the wayward spouse eh?

I don't know how much advice you need. I think your doing most of the right things.

Tell me how you have tried to end the affair? Have you told all of his friends and family and asked for their support of your marriage? It's not enoug that they know - you ask for their support of your marriage!

And you're right, he needs to learn what life is like without you. If he's asking to see you - theres likely a need that OW can't fill. Deprive him of that.

Penny's e-book is a great tool for the first steps of ending the affair and beyond. Please consider ordering it. It downoads to you computer as soon as you purchase so you could be reading it in 10 minutes from now. If $ is an issue we'll work something out so that you get a copy ASAP.

Again welcome.

ooops, forgot the ebook link. Click on this - http://www.booklocker.com/books/2116.html

Thanks. I'll order the ebook. I'm not sure where I stand on meeting him at my therapists office. She seems to think it might be a good idea. He hasn't seen me or heard my voice in almost 3 weeks and maybe I should give him a brief glimpse into what he's letting go of, and then reduce communication even more. Not so many emails - I'll determine which ones are truly important and respond to those only.

But I feel that as time goes on, he and the OW are getting closer and more bonded and he is going to be able to do without me more and more. Very frightened of this happening. Luckily, he runs a pet care service and all of his clients are in our area. So, if he moves away and nearer to her, he has to get another kind of job and we all know how difficult that is in this economy. Plus, he used to be an executive in a corporate setting and absolutely hated it. So, he'd be going back to something he detests. I was helping him build his pet care business and we were giving it a couple of years to really hit. It's a little less than a year into it, and I am contributing more than him to the household. That was fine before, but now it feels so wrong. But what can I do if he simply doesn't have the money?

One other thing - I've asked him to move all of his clothes into the back bedroom or put them in boxes and put them in the basement. He hasn't done that yet. Is it important that I start to pack up some of his stuff??

I've had great advice and support from friends and my therapist, so I have been able to handle this with a lot of dignity. I haven't once begged or pleaded. But I REALLY just want him to come home.

quote:

But I feel that as time goes on, he and the OW are getting closer and more bonded and he is going to be able to do without me more and more.

Not true. When something like this happens, there is much "fence sitting" and "having your cake and eating it to" That is why you have the beautiful letter and the emails and voice mails. Fence sitting at it's finest.

My suggestion to you is NO CONTACT. No walks in the park (that gives him what he's seeking and leaves you feeling miserable and he can go back to OW after having a BS fix and it will continue like that as long as you let it. A vicious circle and the only one doing the suffering for it is you)

quote:

Is it important that I start to pack up some of his stuff??

Only if you want to. If you feel it will help you take charge of your life, then by all means, pack it up. But I wouldn't have him come and do it. Pack it up, put it somewhere and deal with it later.

quote:

But what can I do if he simply doesn't have the money?

Wow, I wonder how long the 'true love" will last with a broke boyfriend where the OW is concerned?

quote:

While I'd prefer not to have him here at all, the dog is very old and very attached to him and I don't want to do that to him.

Been there done that as well. With a dog and a child that were both very attached to him. He simply didn't care. Nothing could make him care when he was in the fog. Not his child, not his wife, not his pets.

I would try and arrange for someone else to look after the dog while you are at work.

You need to start taking care of you right now. You've been through a terrible trauma, there is a lot of fear, grief, confusion surrounding you right now and you need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Don't worry about him crashing and burning. This was HIS choice and he took your choices away from you. The one where you married him for life and that's what YOU wanted, your choice to have a loving, faithful spouse. His actions are rewriting your life and it's so very difficult on the BS to come to terms with all of this. So please, take care of you right now.

That is why I am such an advocate for No Contact. You need this time for healing yourself.


[QUOTE] So, his decision that he had found "his girl" and that his life has finally brought him to his true love had been made after less than 3 weeks and 2 meetings. /QUOTE]

Uh huh. Looking at this from a distance and having lived through it myself, I can only say that reality will set in. Sometimes it sets in way quicker if you remove yourself from the situation by no contact. But then again, it may take time. This fog thing is pretty powerful stuff.

You came to the right place, you will find a great bunch of compassionate people here who will teach you many things.

Now, make sure you are drinking lots of fluids, try and eat when you can. And try and rest. If you can't sleep, at least just try and rest. I know with me, my concentration went out the door when he did. I couldn't read, or sew or anything that I normally did when I was stressed....

Here is a quote that I want to share with you...

"There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”

Thanks for your reply. A couple of things - As far as the dog goes, my H walking him saves a good amount of money and also, I'm not sure that the dog (very old) will do well never seeing him. I also wonder how it feels for him to come to the house each day and see what he gave up. He's living in a room in someone's apt, and our house is wonderful. I'm never here when he comes over, so there is no contact with me.

The other thing is the visit to the therapist and possible walk in the park. My therapist seems to think that may be OK. My thought is that I will act and look great, and he will have that to remember, because I plan to cut him off even more after that meeting. We have a lot to take care of together, and it's almost impossible not to have very occasional emails about certain things. But I plan to not email nearly as much as in the past couple of weeks, and to ignore all of his emails/messages that aren't clearly important. No phone contact whatsoever, although he'll probably leave a message from time to time.

I understand that he is in the fog right now, but unlike other WS he's unable to maintain a normal life. He is scrambled for a place to live and is stressed out about how to make extra money. In every way except for his "wonderful new love" the walls are starting to close in. Do you think that this will speed up the end of the fog?

Thanks again.

quote:

Not so many emails - I'll determine which ones are truly important and respond to those only.

No emails would be best. There is some info on the site/in the book on getting an email intermediary - he can send them any communications to you, and they can just ask you about the stuff that is really important, and relay your reply. Do you have someone you could trust in this role?

quote:

But I feel that as time goes on, he and the OW are getting closer and more bonded and he is going to be able to do without me more and more.

I think that certainly is one of the dangers. However ther other side of it is, the more he and OW are faced with reality - the more he tries to rely on her for something that you used to do and she is not up to, the more she gets sick of him relying on her so much, etc. etc. - the more the fantasy part of the picture wears out. And that's the crazily addictive part. Some attachment might form, but that's what he has to you too. The fantasy bit is the crazy making part.

quote:

In every way except for his "wonderful new love" the walls are starting to close in. Do you think that this will speed up the end of the fog?

Yes, big time, I personally think thats when no contact and protection phase would work best.

Welcome here debanne, and good luck.

Hello debanne. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As a man who recently went through the same roller coaster of emotions, I can promise you it won't last. I started talking to an old flame from college who I'd not spoken with in 20 years and we too thought we were soul mates, destined to be together forever. The feeling was uncotrollable. Fast forward to today, five months later, we rarely speak any more. Still friends but that's it. The truth was we were both at a very emotionally unstable place when we started talking and thought we were the answers to each others prayers.

I don't think there is any way you will ever convince him of anything right now. I agree with the others. Cut off all contact.

Not to get too far into my story but while I miss her, I'm so thankful nothing more became of it. My marriage is no better but that's a different story.

Good luck. You'll be in my prayers.

Hi Volusia Guy - Glad to hear that you came to your senses, but sorry that your marriage isn't good. Did you move out of the house to be with this woman? What changed that made you feel you were not going to spend the rest of your life with her? Thanks for the info.

Hi Debane,
Welcome to SYMC, but I'm sorry for the reason you are here. The story you told is very common - those Facebook/Classmate pages are fun, but with it comes the danger of reconnecting with old flames and high school memories. When people don't protect their boundaries....well, all those fond memories are suddenly soul mate material that has been embellished over thast 30 years or so.

quote:

I understand that he is in the fog right now, but unlike other WS he's unable to maintain a normal life. He is scrambled for a place to live and is stressed out about how to make extra money. In every way except for his "wonderful new love" the walls are starting to close in. Do you think that this will speed up the end of the fog?

No guarantees or crystal ball here, but I think yes.

He's a big boy Debanne and like a lot of us, has yet to learn the consequences of his choice to have an affair. Let him learn that. If you are there buffering it, you take from him a huge stepping stone to growth. Think of it like that, instead of worrying about him suffering.

The most painful suffering, usually results in the biggest revelations. And he's got a big one coming.

You will feel better not having contact with his chaos too. Protect yourself because it's going to get worse before it gets better.

OK, I'm a huge dog lover. We have two beagles and they give us a lot of joy. The dog will feel as secure as you are. If you give off that energy, the dog will pick that up and mirror it. They aren't human, so try and not translate the dogs feelings as yours. It's so easy to do, isn't it?

You're in charge now. And the beauty of this is, the dog may help you be strong. If you establish a new routine, be confident in it's execution and give the dog plenty of Discipline, Exercise and Affection (thank you Cesar Milan!), he'll be ok.

You don't need H to care for the dogs. You actually don't NEED him for anything. Which is your life lesson coming I hope. You don't need him, you want him to be in a mature relationship.

Hang in there,
GS

quote:

I also wonder how it feels for him to come to the house each day and see what he gave up. He's living in a room in someone's apt, and our house is wonderful.

I asked the same thing sweetie. Why would someone want to give up his home, his wife, his daughter to go live in an apartment with a 21 year old. Hmmmm...it doesn't matter to them. It's the pull of the affair, the chemicals firing in the brain that tell them that anything is better with this person.

quote:

As far as the dog goes, my H walking him saves a good amount of money and also, I'm not sure that the dog (very old) will do well never seeing him.

I have an old dog as well. She is doing really, really well. And I have to agree with GS..you making the dog feel secure is all that baby needs.

quote:

My thought is that I will act and look great, and he will have that to remember, because I plan to cut him off even more after that meeting. We have a lot to take care of together, and it's almost impossible not to have very occasional emails about certain things.

It won't matter if you are drop dead gorgeous and the most wonderful person on the face of the earth as far as your actions. It simply won't matter. Once again, the chemicals, the addiction of the affair, outweigh everything else. Continued contact with him, no matter how much or how little will allow him to fence sit. I said the exact same thing...well we have this, we have that and we need to be in SOME contact...well, no we didn't actually. Now I know that.

quote:

but unlike other WS he's unable to maintain a normal life. He is scrambled for a place to live and is stressed out about how to make extra money.

I witnessed the same thing with my WS and I still am witnessing it. Only it's about to get a whole lot worse for him.

I wish I could tell you the magic words or that everything will be okay and he will come to his senses and will come back home and you all will live happily ever after. It just doesn't work that way. It's hard...very, very hard. And I know just like myself, all that is being said to you now, you have reasons why you can't do it.

As time went on, my eyes opened up to so many things once I went into NC and started working on myself. Things fell into place. There was a reconciliation, but unfortunately he was not 100% on board for that either. But that's not to say a happy ending won't come for you someday.

For me, it brought closure and I am able to function, one day at a time knowing who I am and how strong I actually am. But I've been at this for awhile now.

You are getting some good advice here from BS's and WS's as well...take some time to ponder it. Stop thinking about what's best for him and start thinking about what is best for YOU.

How are you doing physically sweets? I managed to drop 50 pounds on the Infidelity diet when I was where you are now. Not a good thing. So please take care of yourself...you are not alone.

quote:

You will feel better not having contact with his chaos too. Protect yourself because it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I can't even begin to tell you the absolute truth in this statement...

Please explain about the chaos and it getting so much worse. I spoke with my therapist today and she said that she felt a session with him might be helpful, as long as he is the one asking for it. I've been very strong throughout this time - have never once begged or pleaded. Cried a lot but never hysteria or threats or guilt. So, I'm actually curious to hear what he has to say. And I realize that no matter how great I look or act, it won't change his mind at this point. But, when he does start to question his decisions, having a positive memory may be helpful.

Thoughts???

Also - I guess I don't understand why he can't come to the house to take care of the dog and a few other things. WE live in a very large house and it's hard for me. We also have 5 animals. If I'm not here and there's NC with me - why shouldn't he help out? Otherwise, I feel as though he's totally irresponsible and off the hook .

I don't think a counseling session at this point is counter productive - so long as your counselor is pro-marriage.

I do think you need to buy the ebook and follow some of the time lines in outlined in the book. At some point you'll need to go into "no contact" and yes I think that would include no emails and no entering the house.

Hi debanne,

Let me add my personal welcome here. And as others have stated, we're sorry you found the need to search us out.

I'd like to try to explain the reasoning behind some of the advice being offered to you. You're trying to maintain NC, right? So let's begin by trying to define what is contact.

It's pretty normal to think that contact is limited to in-person, on the phone, text and email messages. But let's keep two things in mind here.

Thing #1 is that one purpose of NC is to protect yourself. Why is this necessary? Well, for starters, every time you have any type of contact with your spouse, it is (even on a subconscious level) re-opening the wound. Right now you are raw and hurting enough; why add to it? Why not instead insulate yourself by staying completely out of contact, finding a way to heal yourself and grow stronger? We have a label here for that NC "place" for a BS and it is called Protection Phase. While in NC/PP, the BS totally removes herself from all contact with the WS and tries to find his/her strength again. Outcome? A stronger BS, and one that will be able to handle the hard work of rebuilding and reparation of the marriage, or if the marriage doesn't survive, the work of being a strong single person.

Thing #2 is that by totally removing yourself from the picture (lovingly with a purpose and a well-written PP letter), you force your WS to have his needs met 100% by the OW. He is unable to get a debanne "fix" by seeing your name in an email, hearing your voice on the phone, or seeing you in person. Now, I would also tend to agree that seeing each other in a counselor's office is fine, but I would recommend not lingering outside the office. Leave the office, get in your car and go home.

So with these Things in mind, what more can contact be? Contact from the BS's standpoint can be simply fixating on the WS...wondering what he is doing, where he is, is he well, is he ill, where is he living, is he working, is he hurting financially? Etc. To take it further, this fixation can become an obsession - trust me, I was an expert at this. It involves watching the WS's bank transactions, credit card transactions, anything you have access to, to try to play detective and determine what is happening in the affair. Oh, let me mention here that it also includes listening to the well-intentioned friends and family members who want to tell you what they know, what they have heard, etc. Those fine folks should be kindly and gently asked to not share any information about your H with you. OK, that's from your standpoint, your point of view.

Now what about your H? This is all about Thing #2. What do you think your H experiences when he comes by to walk your dog? He is in contact with a life that he has no right to share right now...a life he turned from by having the affair. And, omigosh, access to your family home? That is such a HUGE fix! He's there; you aren't. Picture him...wandering from room to room, sitting in "his" chair, touching your chair...this is really feeding his needs, debanne.

Now rather than sounding all lecture-y, let me say these things come from my own experiences. I was the BS. My marriage did not survive my H's affair. He gave up more things than I can believe. At the time, I could accept that he wanted to be out of MY life, but the life of the dog he adored and vice versa? The life of the only granddaughter he will ever have (my son's child from an earlier marriage...the ex and I had no children)...she adored Grandpa and he simply disappeared from her life and didn't look back. It is so very difficult for those of us who wear the BS t-shirt to even begin to understand what drives the WS to walk away from so much.

He also maintained a home office for his company. M-F, he had full access to our home and was always gone by the time I arrived home from work. This was wrong, very wrong. Even after the fact, he will honestly admit that he remained connected and got his "home fix" by being able to remain in the home. He would look at my clothing, sit in my chair, you get the picture.

And, oh dear, I was so good at obsessing! My friends told me I should open a detective agency. I was able to view his emails, patch together shredded cell phone bills, you name it. I was able to recreate his life and view it. Was this healthy? So much the opposite. Hard to see at the time. I thought I was in control - what a laugh! By doing what I was doing, I relinquished all control over my life.

Let me share this with you...a quote from a favorite author of mine, Byron Katie. She writes in Loving What Is:

"If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We're both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn't work."

And this, debanne, is what our Protection Phase and NC is all about.

Hugs to you!

Oh, and about how you look or what you say? I'm so sorry, Hun, but none of that will penetrate the fog. Another good reason for NC. Contact just doesn't do anything. He might get a fix, but it won't log into his brain. It will just give him the addict's fill.

Just wanted to add my props to Volusia Guy.

Job well done mi amigo!

Thank you all for the good advice and support. I have been somewhat obsessed with reading emails, checking accts etc. and will try to stop that cold turkey immediately because it's very upsetting everytime I read something about how he absolutely made the right decision and about "the new love in my life."

One problem that I have which I neglected to mention is that I may need my H to help me with something pretty major in the future. We were in the process of adopting from China. THe process has gotten exceedingly long - when we first started it was about an 8 month wait. Now it's over 3 years. Because of that, I have to reapply to the government in April in order to stay in the game. I haven't at all decided if it is something I will do as a single mom, but I don't have to make that decision yet. However, I do need H to fake it and get fingerprinted etc. with me. Otherwise, I won't be able to adopt. He knows how important this is to me and I don't see him saying no, but if I completely cut him off, don't allow him to see the dog etc etc. he may not help me. Then, not only have I lost my H, but also my dreams of ever being a mom.

That is one of the reasons that I am maintaining the slightest bit of contact. I've handled myself with complete dignity throughout this. No whimpering or begging. I make the rules when it comes to the house and his coming here. And - I have caught him in every little thing he's done to try and pull the wool over my eyes. He's suddenly sounding remorseful and crying in a message that there will be no more shenanigans. However, he cannot come home because he's "found his truth."

I will see my therapist tomorrow and mention what all of you have said. Her take is similar - very, very little contact. But she also feels that if my H can make life easier for me in any way, I should take full advantage.

Would love to hear more of your thoughts. By the way, it's just a month since they met and about 6-7 in-person visits, and, as I mentioned before he has "found his truth." Ugh!

Sorry to be posting so much, but new thoughts keep coming into my head. And I'm so happy to have found all of you wondeful people. Thank you.

THere was another board that I looked at and when I posted my story, they all wrote to me and told me that I made a huge mistake asking H to leave. That it would have been better keeping him in the house and just waiting it out until the A fizzled out. They said that my therapist was awful because of how she advised me. So now, I'm second-guessing the fact that he was given an ultimatum - either work on the marriage with me or move out as soon as possible.

What are your thoughts about this?