Don't be sorry. Post as much as you'd like!

I suspect the other sight you refered to told you that you should have stayed in "plan A" longer. Plan A so very rarely works because as others have mentioned - once a person has the biochemicals raging in their brain for another person they can't see the reasons to stay (which "plan A" is supposed to demonstate). It's futile.

IMO (and keep in mind I am a male FWS) you're better off setting a boundary for yourself and handing him a quick dose of reality.

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We were in the process of adopting from China

So how will this work out in terms of legal stuff? Will he be considered the dad and be liable for supporting the child? Do you think he's still on board for that or will be?

I know this is so very hard for you. This was and still is, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I was in the exact same place you are. I had every reason in the world to keep in contact with my WS. Our home, our child, our this, our that. And when I wasn't in contact through email or speaking to him, I was in contact in my head. What's he doing, who's he doing it with, why is he doing it and so on. It made me absolutely miserable.

Once I started waking up and thinking not what is he doing today, but what am I going to do today, things started to change around. I still fell off the wagon...all here will tell you that...but I started to realize that I was gaining strength and starting to deal with it and cope with things here and realizing, I can do this on my own if it comes to that.

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By the way, it's just a month since they met and about 6-7 in-person visits, and, as I mentioned before he has "found his truth." Ugh!

I found emails where my WS told this very young woman that he became involved with and willingly left his home, his wife and his little girl for, that she was the love of his life. That's what he always said to me. He would call her "baby", which is what he always called me. And so it went.

So you see, it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth, the man you are dealing with right now is in no way the person who you know and love. That man has been abducted and now resides in a spaceship somewhere near Mars...This fella now is what swapped places with him and will look at you and make YOU feel like you are the stranger, the one who has done something wrong. My WS even sounded different, looked different...it was frightening...like where did he go?

I hope that the man you love comes back someday and you can work on your marriage and recover.

But before that can happen...he has to hit absolute rock bottom. He has to roll around down there for a bit in order to realize what he's done. I found through all of this that the only way is to not allow him to have his "fix" of his home, his wife, his life he left behind.

What Sharon said to you is very, very true and bless her, she has been such a help to me, even when I fussed and cried and said it just can't be done.

And by asking him to move out, you didn't do the wrong thing. Why should your integrity be compromised while your husband sits on a fence wondering...how can I have both?

I felt the same way and I kept putting it off...Having him leave. Until we were at a function for our child and I caught him texting her. That was it for me. I couldn't have that turmoil in my life or I would have ended up hating his guts. Even now, I don't hate him..I feel very, very sorry for him because I know deep down that I will be fine and so will my little girl. I'm not sure that he will ever find the happiness he thinks is somewhere else.

Get the E book and read it. And BTW..I have been seeing a therapist now since oh...about Oct of 07 and he really thinks the approach that is taken on this forum is an excellent one. It simply makes sense. Why reward someone for their bad behavior and make yourself miserable in the process...

There is much fear and confusion, not to mention the extreme hurt and pain that comes with infidelity. It's hard to determine the right path to choose. I can tell you from personal experience, that path to healing and strength is the one I'd choose any day and I am so glad that I did.

Just got back from a session with my therapist. She says that we should have a session with her only if he has something new to say. If he's going to rehash the old crap or try to absolve himself in some way - no go. So, I'll have to try to figure that out.

While I understand everything that you have said, I believe that from a financial standpoint (can't really afford to have a petsitter come twice a day) and the standpoint of my needing his help with the possible adoption, I will cut off all communication with him, but still allow him to come to the house. I work in a school, so I will be off for two week at the end of March. At that point, he will not visit the house at all. Then, if I feel that I have to rethink this, I will.

I have already gone cold turkey with the reading of his emails - I realize that was causing me constant pain. Because no matter what, at this point he believes that he's completely in love with the OW and that's what I kept reading. He actually wrote to someone about me "I pray for her every day".

One reason that I'd like to visit the therapist with him is that she is a tough cookie. She will not mince words and will point out to him that he is in the throws of an addiction and is not living a sober life right now. Although he'll deny it, his years in AA are an important part of his identity and, whether he takes it in consciously or not, he will hear those words.

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One reason that I'd like to visit the therapist with him is that she is a tough cookie. She will not mince words

Well, she won't mince words, but there's an excellent chance he won't hear a thing she says. I can remember people, me included, telling WS the most sensible of things. He looked at us like we were speaking a foreign language and then went off and did what he wanted anyhow.

Has he or do you think he will even agree to meeting with your therapist?

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Although he'll deny it

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whether he takes it in consciously or not, he will hear those words

????? So if he's going to deny that he's in an addiction now and may or may not take heed at what's being said, but he will still hear the words , then what's the point? That's like me trying to make my child do something I want her to do and she has her hands over her ears going lalalalalalalalalala...I can't hear you...

It just doesn't accomplish much.

I'm not trying to beat you down here and dash your hopes at what you are trying to do. I look at what you have to say here and I see me a year and a half ago. Just don't be disappointed when what you would like to see happen, doesn't happen, because it can't happen due to what he is experiencing right now.

Listen to GS when he gives you the thoughts of a former WS...Listen to V-Guy when he tells you what he went through as an almost WS...listen to Mags...she's been there also. They can all explain to you the pull of the emotions between the WS and AP and how strong it is.

The rest of us can give you gentle guidance because we know of what we speak. We've walked in your shoes...

Along with everything else, I find that taking this one little baby step at a time, day by day is the best approach. You will have to determine when it's time for you to do the next right thing FOR YOU...and your heart will tell you that.

Hi - Yes, I understand what you're saying about him not hearing anything, but I think that possibly the talk of addiction will ring bells because of all of his work and committment to AA. Anyway, he was the one who asked to see me, not the other way around, and I'm still trying to process whether or not I want to. Trying to make sense of everything while I'm in a state of severe pain. You're right - one day at a time. And I'm hearing all of you - taking in what my therapist says = and topping it all of with what my heart tells me. Thanks again.

debanne,
Sounds like you have an excellent therapist. You know, we all make our own path through this mess...and every person here made mistakes. The success stories aren't about avoiding mistakes, but rather....seeing when things were going sideways and making corrections.

I think you're going to find that your H disappoints you in his commitment to take care of the dogs, be financially responsible, helping with the adotpion and probably...even "praying for you every day." Many of the agreements and token emotions towards BS's are simply appeasements to make him feel better, get his friends off his back and getting you to not make a fuss in his life so he can continue his affair. I really hope I'm wrong - but I'm saying this to you, so that if it starts to happen, you see it and stop letting him hurt you.

What we worry about here, and why we disagree with the "Plan A" thing from the other website, is when WS behavior so devastates a marriage, that you stop wanting it to work out. You would probably be completely amazed at most of the destructive behavior that WS's inflict on their wives, their children, their family, and yeah, even the dogs. They are so caught up in the affair, they literally cease thinking about anything else except keeping the affair going.

And the devastation can be astounding. That's what we mean by chaos. It's bringing OW in your home, it's taking the dogs to his house and leaving them while he goes to party somewhere else, it's draining the checkbook to buy her clothes, it's....an endless stream of ickiness. None of which has anything to do with how he feels about you, but rather, all about him. He literally becomes someone you don't recognize anymore - and the hard part is that they sound so sincere when they make the commitments, and we see people get their hopes up only to be dashed repeatedly.

...and then we see marriages die. So, you of course know best your financial position and what you can and can't tolerate. Just watch out for how H is going to hurt you. Don't wait to long to stop it.

And watch out for enabling his behavior. Because if you buffer him from feeling bad, from hurting financially, from having to explain his behavior to his family...from sitting on the fence - you can put a point in OW's column if you know what I mean.

Your therapist is so right about choosing. It is the *hardest* thing to stick to a boundary for you - and the *hardest* choice he will ever make. But he won't make it if he doesn't have to.

BTW - both our children were adopted from China. I'm sorry your wait is so long.

I've actually seen some of the irresponsible behaviour already, and I don't doubt at all that he couldn't care less about anything but himself right now. THat's why I won't go to therapy with him just to allow himself to feel better about the awful way in which he's handled things so far.

As far as money goes, I've been able to protect some joint funds that are actually mine from an inheritance. That being said, I do have to start getting tougher about money in general and begin to split up certain bills etc. I have just begun to feel that I'm enabling.

This is such a tough. long road and I'm only at the very beginning. I do have to measure my actions somewhat carefully, because as I said earlier, his helping me is the only way to complete my adoption at this point. I think that I can convince him in a couple of months to at least help me renew the paperwork - the actual adoption will probably not happen until end of the year at the earliest, so I don't have to make any firm decisions or ask him to do anything quite so major any time soon.

This is still all so shocking to me - Sometimes I understand what has happened and believe that he is in the fog, while other times I'm just terrified that he was miserable, found someone else and I begin to blame myself. Pretty typical, I'm sure.

quote:

Sometimes I understand what has happened and believe that he is in the fog, while other times I'm just terrified that he was miserable, found someone else and I begin to blame myself. Pretty typical, I'm sure.

I'm not a big fan of the "fog" description anymore like I used to be. It feels like inexplicable occurrence where there isn't any reason. The weather just moved in or something.

There actually is a reason he is acting the way he is....a very scientific, biological reason he feels pulled to this woman.

And it had nothing to do with you or your marriage, other than it inflicted harm on both. All marriages have issues, troubles and things we wish were better. That isn't the reason, no matter what cow manure he spreads to cover his tracks, that he had an affair.

All it takes is time, attention, secrecy and nothing really turning him off....coupled with no protection by him of his boundaries.

You can blame yourself (which by the way, will happen a lot as long as you maintain contact with him), but stop yourself if you can. You did not cause this, and you don't deserve it.

OK?

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That it would have been better keeping him in the house and just waiting it out until the A fizzled out.

My 2 cents on this, as a WS.
If H kept me in the house and allowed me to carry on, I'd have been thrilled. Heck I still would be, I'm not out of the fog yet. I'd get to have everything, and not have to choose. A side of me still keeps trying to do that even now. And possibly the A would have fizzled out in a few years. But I think my marriage would probably have been thoroughly killed by the time that happened. I suspect all trust and intimacy would be gone, and my H would eventually have left me or become very, very hurt and bitter. Probably both. And I would have thought I could have it all but ended up losing what I most wanted to keep - my H. Lose-lose for everybody.
I guess this is the thing where PP is not to get your husband back so much as to protect you from that chaos and pain.

And as GS says, you did not cause this. I think my H is wonderful, yet I did this to him too. The pull of infatuation and early-love is just so strong that nothing of a sustainable nature can top that high - just like any drug.

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That isn't the reason, no matter what cow manure he spreads to cover his tracks, that he had an affair.

AMEN TO THAT...

You know, I hear everything loud and clear, but today is an especially teary day for me. I know that his is an unbelievable roller coaster and that I'm in for a long ride, regardless of the outcome. But on days like today, I just feel terribly hopeless. I feel that he was unhappy and will never return. I wonder if this woman was a catalyst to get him out of the marriage. Yes, there were some serious issues, but we never had a chance to heal our relationship, and considering how close we were, that's a travesty. We were both at fault when it came to keeping our issues with one another to ourselves and they ended up being expressed in anger and frustration. I'm so terribly heartbroken. And I'm so scared that he will truly fall in love with the OW and that will be that. She must be pretty needy too, to be in this situation. I believe that she is recently divorced/separated. ANd I know that she has an 11 year old daughter. She was probably ripe for someone in her life. And my H was unhappy with me when they met. Plus, they went to HS together, which plays into his midlife crisis. Reliving his HS days. What a nightmare.

debanne

I'm sorry - there are going to be days like this.

You just simply don't know what is going to happen with your relationship.

And I know it's hard, but try, really try, to not beat yourself up over the past because there isn't a darn thing you can do about that.

The truth is, and please read this sentence several times: It's not my fault that my husband chose to leave our marriage.

Mature people work at a relationship and yeah, it's hard. It's for adults only.

Are you eating ok? Try to do this, even if it's little healthy bits at a time. Banana smoothies are especially yummy and easy to get down. Get outside a bit today, ok?

Spend the day taking care of you - you need your strength because you are really worth it.

Do you have a friend who can be with you?

More hugs,
GS

Oh sweetie...yes it is a nightmare...

Did you read this page on this site? http://www.symcinc.com/getinfo...es/endingaffair.html

And then there is this one...which will help explain as best as can be explained, why this happened.

http://saveyourmarriagecentral...03002716/m/659101763

Keep saying what GS said.. It's not my fault that my husband chose to leave our marriage

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this will become clearer to you as time goes on.

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She must be pretty needy too, to be in this situation. I believe that she is recently divorced/separated

My Therapist and I were talking about "rebound" relationships that people fall into so easily during a divorce or separation and how they just don't work. So not only are your H and the OW engaging in an affair, which is highly likely not to succeed, she's in a spot where she is vulnerable as well due to the divorce or separation. Equals out to disaster, don't you think? Unfortunately the fallout from that disaster won't only affect just the two of them.

However, while all that is playing out, we need to get you to a healthier place, FOR YOU. You will have days like today...a sad place, but you will see days come where you are okay and then they will be more frequent. I promise...

So tell us all about this wonderful old dog of yours. Mine is a golden and I love her, but man...last night...there is this smell...like burnt rubber that comes forth and I have to kick her stinky self into another room so that we can breathe!

Got lots of critters here...Pony, Llama, cat, dog, kid...

You work in a school...teacher? I am a substitute teacher, after school care director, pto prez...fun stuff

I will check in on you later, gotta get ready to go play with the kiddos...

Thanks, Sandy. My dog is a beautiful white and black Akita. He was a rescue (we got him at 1 yr. old.) and he is like our child. He's going to be 13 in a couple of months. Luckily, aside from some aches and pains, and some arthritis, he's doing very well. Seems sad and confused since my H left. Even though he still sees him most days, they were together constantly and he's extremely attached. See - this nightmare is even affecting our animals (we also have 4 incredible cats.)

Yes, I work in a school, but I'm an administrator, not a teacher. It's a private High School in the Bronx (outside of New York City.) Been here for 11 years, so at least I feel very secure in my job.

I'm on day 2 of no snooping. Not actually completely true - I did look at his search history (he looked up her husband and did quite a few searches on him). I know, I know - I shouldn't have. But compared to my obsessive email checking, phone activity checking and calendar checking, it's a big step. None of that for the last couple of days and I feel as though I'm protecting myself a lot more.

I am so glad to have found all of you wonderful people, and so sorry that we have all found ourselves here. I hope that my H will come to his senses and find his way home, but I realize that can't be predicted. So, I will continue to take it one day at a time.

Hmmm...so do you know for sure the OW is divorced? Have you thought about calling OW's H and checking in on all this? Maybe they are still married and he doesn't know about the affair....

Have you exposed this affair to your H's family and employer?

Protection is great, after exposure. Gotta make sure this is all out in the open so natural consequences will help rock his dreamboat...

...or are you keeping this under wraps because of the adoption?

I'm trying to walk a fine line because of the adoption situation. I plan to seriously pull in the reins in terms of finances. He's been getting away with murder. And the contact will be reduced to almost nothing. But I have to be careful because I may decide that I still want to adopt and I can't do that without his help.

I know that the OW is at least separated, if not divorced. But I'm pretty sure that she was still with her husband as recently as April '08, so probably not divorced yet. My H only spends weekends with her because her daughter is probably with her during the week and with the dad on the weekends.

As far as exposure, I have been in touch with all of our mutual friends, and those friends of his who reached out to me. He has very little family and I'm toying with the idea of contact them, but not sure if I'm going to go that route. It may backfire and he may get so angry that he doesn't help me with the adoption. Also, he isn't very close to them so I don't know how much impact it would make anyway.

As far as rocking his dreamboat, I can't imagine that an 11 year old, whose parents split up less than a year ago is going to welcome a new man with open arms. That may be the beginning of reality setting in.

Hey debanne,

I am so sorry you're having a bad day. Yes, it is a huge emotional roller coaster. Now let me just say here: I avoid any and all roller coasters like the plague. They are NOT my idea of fun, so when I found myself on one and not by choice I was not a happy girl. To this day I have my moments, my triggers. Interestingly it isn't when some preview of a movie about infidelity flashes on the screen. Moreso it is when I hear about couples planning a facation or the words "my husband." Like so many here, I was sure I would remain married to him for the rest of my life. We were married in '85 and divorced in 2007, and it was very difficult to see it all unravel. His life choices have not made either of us happy...sad, very sad situation.

Your dog sounds wonderful! We had Max together...here is a pic of my beautiful, sweet and very smart boy.



My exH had a home office...think I mentioned that, so he and Max were together all day every day and they were very attached. Max also seemed a bit "off" when he moved out, but I gave him tons of attention, spoiled him even more, and he was fine. In fact, I really believe that he remained with me until he knew I was going to be OK, and then he let me know that the cancer was something he could no lnger deal with. I mean that from my heart and I believe it in my soul. Had he had to leave me earlier, I could not have dealt with it. He was a wonderful dog and my ex never was around thru his illness or at the end.

May I ask a question? Not being familiar with any adoption procedures or requirements, why is it you need your H's cooperation on this? Do they not permit single parent adoptions? Or is it merely that without him in the picture you would go back to the end of the line? I also have to wonder what would happen if he cooperated and then your marital status changed and you wanted to proceed solo? Would that be permitted?

Big, gentle hugs to you, debanne! How about a nicely scented bubble bath tonight? Take care of yourself, sweetie.

Hi -what a sweetie pie. Thanks for posting that photo. You asked about the adoption - China no longer allows single parent adoptions, or if they do, very, very few. We started this process more than 3 years ago as a couple. I cannot change that now. So, if he doesn't agree to go along with me, I won't be able to adopt at all. And starting all over is just not feasible at this point. So, that creates an additional complication. I will need to ask him to reapply with me as soon as April. Once that's over, I won't have to worry about the actual adoption until end of year/beginning of 2010.

I don't know what to say to you. You're going thru such a horrible situation dealing with a spouse's infidelity. I know personally how traumatic that is.

Add to that the fact that you so badly want this adoption and want to be a Mom...

My heart goes out to you. Just know that we really do care and will do anything we can to support you and help you.

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Just know that we really do care and will do anything we can to support you and help you.

I second that!!!!

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to be able to come to this forum and know that I was able to learn about what was happening to me, from those who had been through it and by doing it in a way that actually made sense...