So this is one of those things I am truly struggling with.

I feel like I have been walking around in daze for months now (fog) but it is more like I have gone numb. I really don't remember things that have happened recently- or even over the past 8years of my relationship its like a big blank. No good no bad- just empty. Even when I look at photos- nothing. The only time I respond is when I see the photos of them together and read their emails to eachother.

I don't even know what I would say to my H if he did come back even to talk. Or even how I feel about him anymore. Everything is so hazy and painful it just shuts off.

Is this numbness my way of coping or is this the emotional death of my marriage? How do I know?

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Is this numbness my way of coping or is this the emotional death of my marriage? How do I know?

Time. You'll know eventually.

My guess is though, is that you are still in shock and this numbness is your body's way of protecting itself for awhile. A death of marriage usually takes a lot of time.

Take this time right now to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep when you can..get outside and be with people. Your mind is trying to tell you to hunker down and stop the barrage of pain. Listen to that...it's the voice of self-preservation. You are worth it.

Big hugs,
GS

I tend to think the numbness is your way of coping. It lets you keep functioning and surviving through grief. It seems a little soon for emotional death.
Be grateful for it because it may not last - hopefully what it does do is allow you enough aneasthetic to do what you need to in your life - eat drink and reconnect with people who can help you through when the pain does hit.

quote:

Is this numbness my way of coping or is this the emotional death of my marriage? How do I know?

I can only tell you how it happened for me, but I think it is relevant.

I remember the numbness, as it permeated the last year - perhaps more - of my marriage.

I knew that I was emotionally divorced after I felt the following consistently (for 2 months or more) and it never changed:

1.) Nothing would get an emotional reaction from me. I didn't know where he was living, and I didn't even bother to find out. I didn't care. (My attorney did track him down to serve him with papers, but I wasn't involved and never inquired about how or where.) I didn't know if he was dating, or whom if he was, and didn't care. Not at all.

2.) I no longer had any point that I wanted to make to him. I no longer wanted him to realize anything. It didn't matter.

3.) I was not only ok being without him, I was happy and actually liked it that way. I didn't miss him.

4.) I didn't hate him. I didn't feel any active anger. (Elements of this came back up due to what happened in the divorce, but they were solely limited to what happened during the divorce. They also had nothing to do with an emotional relationship between us.) I had no desire to lash out. I packed his things up nicely for him, and asked him to pick them up.

5.) I had realized months before this that I was going to divorce. (If I'm honest with myself, I realized this at least a year prior to when he left, and didn't accept it. It is more accurate to say that I finally accepted it months before.) However, I knew that this was the case because he was never going to give me what I needed. I turned the corner when I realized, out of the blue one day, that it didn't matter if he gave me everything I'd ever wanted from him, I still was done and the marriage was over. I just wasn't interested.

6.) I was ok (even happy) being me without a relationship at all, and I didn't have any desire to jump into a rebound (I had this desire previously). The emotional void I had been seeking to fill (after going a long time without my emotional needs being met) was not there. I still wanted those things someday, but I didn't need (or want) them then. I guess it is best described as having no urgency behind it.

7.) I was able to throw away my wedding dress and other keepsakes from my marriage. It isn't just that I could do this, it was HOW I was able to do it. I didn't feel any urgency to do it. I didn't feel the need to throw them angrily into the garbage. I also didn't feel the need to hold onto them. I packed up what could be donated, and I donated it. I threw the rest away, calmly. I was actually shocked (and wondering at my own emotional health about it) that I had no tears for it, either. I was done shedding tears for what might have been, and the death of the dreams and expectations. I boxed my engagement and wedding ring and put it into the rubbermaid storage tub of his things.

You have to come to these things in your own time, and in your own way. My therapist told me that it takes an average of 2 years to truly emotionally recover from a divorce. I took a lot less than that, which concerned me. I didn't trust that it was real. However, it stayed. I can now say, years later, that it has never once wavered even the slightest. I never had the slightest doubt about divorcing. My therapist says that I didn't take so much less time than anyone else, I just had already started the process way before we separated. Perhaps that is so.