Hi, all. I am glad I found this site. I know this is the infidelity forum, but there is also alcoholism in our marriage, so I'm dealing with a double-whammy.

Here is the synopsis;
married 17 years with 4 children between us (second marriage for both). S25 (mine) D22(mine) D25 (his) S17 (ours). There was (is) a definite strong mutual attraction and romance in the beginning and sometimes that has sustained us through the years...not so much in the last few...

My husband is an alcoholic who since I met him has struggled, sometimes valiantly, sometimes not, to maintain sobriety. He is a binge alcoholic, that is to say he would go long periods of time (four-six months or so) without drinking and for those periods of abstinence he has been a good provider, a loving husband and father. We once had a period of seven years where he maintained constant sobriety and in retrospect, those were glorious years for which I wish I could have just been grateful.

I should add also that we have endured several long-term separations when he went away to long-term rehabs: once he was gone nine months, another time six months, another time three months. After the nine-month stint was when he stayed sober for seven years.

But then the next seven (2000-2007) he began relapsing again two-three times a year and I became what they call in Al-Anon as mother, martyr, manager, without even meaning to, wanting to, or realizing the consequences therein. I stuck with him most of the time out of non-selfish unconditional love, and other times for practical, more selfish reasons.

Last year in June he relapsed again and I was just so tired of the hope-despair cycle that I decided that I wanted a divorce. Then he checked himself into a psyche hospital/rehab (again) and he called me from there to say they had diagnosed him with OCD in addition to the alcoholism, (I had always known there was some kind of mental disorder which complicated the alcoholism) and that he was going to be medicated and he stated that he did not want a divorce...could I give him one last chance. So I agreed.

Fast forward this past year he had done well in terms of his recovery...lots of meetings and more than once he has stated how much better his "thinking" is now that he's on the medication. But as for me, I became depressed about life and I became indifferent toward him, no matter how he would try to warm up to me. Underneath I did not trust that he would not hurt me again...I think I was waiting for him to get a year of recovery before I let myself thaw. Anyway, he got tired of being rejected and began to distance/pull away from me which made me try to get his attention in inappropriate ways...like nagging and complaining. Of course, this meant more distance from him.

In February of this year I began to sense the presence of a third person in our marriage, but I couldn't put my finger on it...I thought he was just airing his complaints with his friends and that they were adding fuel to his fire, so to speak. Then the day after Mother's Day of this year my H told me he wanted a divorce. He said he couldn't take me any more, that I was miserable and he wanted out, no if's and's or but's about it. Of course I cried and begged for him to reconsider but to no avail. He said he would do anything I wanted --he would leave, I could leave, whatever, but he wanted the marriage to end.

Oh, and I should add that prior to this announcement I had been trying to convince him for us to buy a smaller, more manageable house as the home we own is a 13-room Victorian and it had become to feel overwhelming to me and besides, as beautiful as it is, we had outgrown it. ( He was against downsizing, said we couldn't afford the house we looked at and both liked (which we could have), but I pressed the issue and sent him even further into coldness.

So when he said one of us had to go, I agreed to be the one. (I admit I also thought, "fine, let him learn what it is like to manage a household that size") So I rented a house not far from ours (3.5 miles) which allows our youngest son to stay in the same school district and come and go between us as he wishes. Right now my stepdaughter is also living there, but my oldest son has his own place and my daughter lives with her husband and their baby, so there is only my H, S, and SD in the house as I write. (BTW, I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter so her living with us is by no means an issue.)

Five days after his bombshell announcement, I saw that he jumped and snapped his cell phone shut when I walked into the kitchen one morning. Then I knew there was someone else and I asked him how long it had been going on. At first he tried to deny it, but then he conceded he was seeing someone else. Near as I can gather, it began as an emotional affair and has turned into a physical affair within the last two months -- I believe this to be his first affair, but in a way, that frightens me more as I know he's not the type to engage in casual sex.

He cried when he admitted it, sobbed, actually, we held each other and sobbed together, but he didn't want to hear anything about getting help or ending the affair. He moved into the spare bedroom and that is where he stayed until I moved out June 1st. We sat down on Memorial Day and completed a divorce agreement on Legal Zoom. We were/are both in agreement about division of property, shared custody, etc. No arguments whatsoever about what is fair--just him insisting he wants a divorce, and me trying to convince him that we have survived so much, we can certainly survive an affair. (Let me confess, too, that a big part of me was relieved he chose another woman instead of the bottle.)

He was very sweet and kind to me through the moving process. Given the circumstances, he was as good a man as he possibly could have been while I was falling apart, but he held firm to his stance that although he loved me, we needed to divorce. (I showed him very little anger because I don't feel much anger at all...only sorrow.) You see, I quickly came to see how my cold, aloof behavior has/had indeed impacted our intimacy and that I am 50% responsible for driving him into another woman's arms. During these last two and a half months I have come to so many rude awakenings about myself I am mortified to realize, but in another way, grateful to have come to. I have also done a lot of reading about types of affairs and divorce and I realize although we obviously have had a lot of problems, our problems aren't all that unique and at least we both concede that things had become awful between us.

So the legal zoom documents apparently never arrived b/c he hasn't produced anything for me to sign. Then one day he asked me, (quote), "So what are we going to do about filing?" I said, "I love you no matter, what you do, where you go, or with whom you go...do whatever you feel gives you the most freedom, or perceived freedom" (that was a little dig that he's not as free as he thinks with the OW obviously influencing his decisions). He balked a little and asked me what I meant. I said, "I love you unconditionally, as another child of God, and I don't want to break whatever thread remains between our hearts, so you go do what your heart tells you to do to be free."

I also said I didn't think it was the wisest thing to be pursuing a divorce in the midst of an affair -- that that might be something he might regret two, three, four years down the road. I could tell by his silence that those words penetrated and he hasn't spoken the D word since.

However, he has begun relapsing again on weekends, although he always bounces back for the work week, God love him.

Last Friday evening I stopped by the house to pick up our son and H was a little bit drunk, not full-blown yet, and he called me out onto the deck to talk to me. He was crying and told me he had ended the affair, that he was sorry, and that the whole thing was "stupid" and he didn't even know how he got himself into it and that he didn't want to be with OW she's turned out to be a real clingy psycho. (Which I had sensed was the case.)

I hugged him and told him I still loved him and reiterated my share of the blame for the lack of intimacy between us. We both agreed, however, that my returning home is not a good idea at this time as he needs to get back on the recovery program and honestly, I do, too, as I've been in pain and confusion to the nth degree these last two months.

I will also say that yesterday he came to see me at "my" house and we did end up making love for the first time in three months. It was sweet and I don't feel ashamed about it, but I do wonder if it was too soon. On the other hand, carpe' diem.

Anyhow, although I am hopeful about things, my marriage is in limbo. And while I'm very much relieved that he said he ended the affair, I'm not so sure she will not attempt to lure him back.

I know this is a very dicey situation, but any and all feedback would be appreciated.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Temperance,

Temperance...

Welcome...you've come to the right place and soon, there will be many here to give support and point you in the right direction.

I happen to be up late tonight, so I wanted to give you a hug and tell you that you will be so happy to have found this place.

We've all been through some sort of "exactly where you are" I am kind of still there, but soon one of our most excellent moderators will be here to lend you some good advice of what to do next.

The rest of us who are still in various stitches of getting on with things, will stand by and offer you our support.

quote:

Anyhow, although I am hopeful about things, my marriage is in limbo.

And, I know exactly how this feels, most of us do.

Temp,

Good morning and welcome to SYMC. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You have certainly been through a great deal during your marriage. Could I ask how the first marriage ended?

Your husband still needs to be held accountable for his actions. For example, you may have contributed to the problems in your relationship but it was your H that ultimately decided to have the affair. It wasn't your decision.

What are your boundaries? Do you need your H in a recovery program before you move back together? It's going to be very difficult to work on the marriage while your H is continuing his addictive behavior. Do you have a support network of family and friends?

I wouldn't hesitate to contact Penny and set up a coaching appointment. She could help give you and your H the direction you need. The direction your children need.

Have you made an appointment for STD testing?

HoFS

Good Morning Temperance..

I agree with everything HoFs has mentioned.

There does need to be accountability.
Just a few other questions too. When your H relapsed was he in AA or in any kind of program? Or had he sorta dropped the ball so to speak. And how about you and Al anon?

I'm thinking that down the road apiece, when things are smoother he may need to be an AA member for life. (I have friends who have been... no matter what.. once or twice a month they are there)

In the meanwhile.

I agree with HoFs about counseling especially for you. Your H too.. but I'm guessing rehab first. I'd be curious to hear other thoughts on this.. if there is something different out there than the traditional rehab, as you say he's done this more than once...

Don't be quick to give up your separate living spaces and as difficult as this is for you to hear.. do not have unprotected sex with him until you've both been tested for STD's. Very important that one.

Call Penny. She is experienced in dealing with addiction problems in marriages as well as coping with the after effects of an affair.
Penny's info

And post here too.. we'll be here to help as well.

Loui

Thank you, Sandy, HoFs and Louie. To elaborate as briefly as I can: 1.) We both were raised in alcoholic families (no surprises there.) 2.) Both of our first marriages were conflict-ridden and alcoholic (no surprises there, either.) 3.) We both had been single a considerably long time before marrying each other (5 years for me, 7 for him). Both of our exes live thousands of miles away and there has never been any conflict with either of them about anything, praise God. 4.) LOL, Of course we used a condom! I may be foolish, but I am not stupid. 5.) I have been a member, on and off, of Al-anon almost 15 years. You can bet I have recommitted myself to the program, working with a sponsor, and the steps. 6.) My husband has been in AA about 20 years. He has sponsored people who now have more years continuous sobriety. He gets down on himself about that (mortified, actually), but now and then I remind him he's had many more sober, productive days than not, and by the grace of God, he has always picked himself back up and renewed his commitment to the program. He will most definitely need to be a life-time member of AA. 7.) I agree we should keep our separate living spaces. I have a lease until June '09. It is going to be financially tight for each of us, but that is part of the consequences....
8.) I am considering scheduling a conference with Penny, and I did download her e-book and read it last night. According to her methodology, I feel I did some things right, others not. Then again, the first book I read, while the affair was first in bloom was "How to Break Free from the Affair" and I've been following that advice as best I could. So Penny's was the first material I have read that recommended No Contact -- right at the time when it appears some headway had been made, at least in regard to him telling me he's sorry and that the affair is over. (God willing!) So now I'm in a position where my H is making overtures not so much toward total reconciliation, but is taking baby steps. Like today he called to ask me if I'd like to go to the movies Friday night and I said I'd enjoy that. Aside from his binges, something that we have both come to realize that did real damage to our relationship was that we didn't make time for each other. We both have high-stress jobs and then there's the kids, and the house, etc. So I think for him to invite me to the movies is his way of saying, "let's do something different," and I feel it is healthy. But.... that would certainly break the No Contact contingency, which we was never truly implemented...I Backed Off, considerably, right from the start, but we have had contact throughout the last few months. So I feel to implement a No Contact strategy right when things are looking a wee bit hopeful, might in fact tip things back in the other direction. If I had read about that from the beginning, I might have had the gumption to do so, but I'm not sure that is the best option right now, unless, of course, he should wander back to the OW, in which case......

Good Morning Temperance,

Excellent steps you have been taking for yourself here. Calling Penny is indeed a good idea.

I agree with you on the full no contact issue right now. Lets see what P thinks as well.

As long as he is taking all the right action steps and its not just all talk we can assume he is willing to work on the marriage. Just keep your eyes open for any red flags. Anything that doesn't seem or feel right.

Loui