Hello everyone,
It's been a year since my WH left the house. I practiced NC, but that did nothing. My WH has never expressed any regret at leaving, and I eventually became involved with someone else. That has been actually good---I feel like I am the person I want to be with my new boyfriend; I really like myself in this relationship. I can see major changes in how I negotiate, deal with conflict, etc. that I'm proud of. I think I've learned really important lessons from my reading and experience that i've been putting into practice.

I even see WH and OW around (we live in the same town) and I don't feel bad anymore. I actually feel a lot happier most of the time, less stressed (WH was rarely home and not engaged with my son--now he takes him for visits and sees him regularly).

In preparing to sell our house, I have been going through old momentos and photos and feel so sad all over again. Even though I am happier most of the time, I can recall how much I loved him and I still regret the loss of our marriage. I am struggling with accepting it. What can I do to aid this process? What can I say to myself? I've been exercising a lot, doing interesting new things, working on me, and generally I am very happy with who I am and what I've learned from this ordeal.

Yet I'm still so sad at times. Part of me still wishes WH would wake up out of the fog.

Any advice?

Sorry you're feeling that way rlana.
Sounds to me like you're doing great. I'm sure it would make anybody sad having to go through the old mementos. But it sounds like apart from when you're doing that, you're working on yourself and coping really well.
I have no advice on the accepting it more though.

Wow, has it really been a year? How does that happen? <sigh>

quote:

Yet I'm still so sad at times. Part of me still wishes WH would wake up out of the fog.

Of course you are. Grieving takes its own time. It's not just the loss of a particular person in a particular role in your life, it's the loss of the dream as well. I tend to think that takes longer to grieve and lay to rest than the loss of the person; I'm not sure it's ever entirely gone.

The pictures and mementos are hard aren't they? The stuff from my first marriage, which ended more than 10 years ago, can still make me weepy. I have to steel myself to go digging around in those boxes if there's something I need.

Time helps. Just sitting with it and acknowledging it helps. Being gentle with yourself and knowing this is part of the process helps.



P

rlana,

Ya know.. I've been divorced 8 1/2 yrs. I'm very happy with my life now. I'm very happy with the relationship I'm in. And I don't regret much that I've lost anymore because what I've gained is good. But there are times, still and all when I grieve the loss of the marriage and the life that went along with it. The reasons might be different now than they were then. But it still remains. I've accepted it and I'm okay with it.

Give yourself time. And when the grief steals into your heart, just sit with it, acknowledge it, let it in and then let it go.

Loui

Hi -

What Louie said.

I found that taking time to be quiet, clear, organize, reflect, and ocasionally talk about it helped.

It just is. Taking some time once in a while to gain perspective also helped some.

ATB,
SB

I don't know.

After reading some of Helen Fisher's work, I am beginning to believe that we in fact change who we are when under the influence of falling in love. Not that it is a permanent thing, but each time I have been gah-gah in love, I later wonder what the heck was I thinking!!

Not that I disagree with any of your advice GS. I just think that there are times in our lives when we morph into something else temporarily. Holding my babies for that very first time, also comes to mind. I think I was high as a kite and in complete denial of the childbirth I had just endured. Those are moments where time seemed to stop for me.

Take care rlana,
Tiggy

Thanks everyone, wonderful comments.

r