My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. I'm 24, and he is 28. He has been overseas for work for the last month, and I recently slept with another man.

I'm not sure what I should do next. I have been unhappy in our relationship for about a year - it's quite clear that he loves me dearly, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I admit I fell into the "young and in love" trap, without fully considering what being a spouse entails. My love for him has been turned into me just being comfortable with our relationship. It's constantly just the two of us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that makes me feel like I'm a prisoner. I want to just be myself again, my 24 year old self. I'm not ready to commit to someone else.

I'm not sure how I can handle the next few months that he's still away. I hate that I feel obligated to say "I love you" at the end of each phone conversation when I don't mean it, but I don't want to bring up my concerns while he is far away and unable to do anything. His sister is going through a divorce at the moment, and that is upsetting him deeply.

I feel like I'm just giving up on our marriage but, at the moment, I don't want to stay in it.

Well, I might be out of line in responding to your post as I have plenty of my own marital problems (moderators please do delete this post if I am out of line) but....here goes: it sounds like you are thinking about pursuing an affair while he's away and I would strongly encourage you NOT to do that as that would be extremely painful for all concerned...even if he never found out about it and even if you "think" it wouldn't be painful for yourself...it would be in the long run. It also sounds that you need to develop some healthy interests of your own to keep your mind occupied and to give yourself a sense of identity apart from the marriage...interests that DON'T involve infidelity. In regard to "love," I believe there are several levels of love involved in any marriage and that perhaps now that the romantic feelings between you and your husband have worn off, (as happens in every marriage) you think you don't love him anymore and perhaps are looking to recapture that "in love" feeling elsewhere. But love is a flame that must not be left untended and there are many books available as to how to keep that romantic spark alive while still loving one another on a more mundane, but steady level. I would also suggest counseling for yourself, and prayer for the courage to resist temptation for the devil does indeed have power to assume pleasing forms....

I don't think your response was out of line. At this point, I welcome any input.

I realize that I need to pursue other interests but I've tried to do that before and it usually ends up with me doing something and him just sitting at home waiting for me to come back. Then I feel guilty for wanting to spend some time on my own. I feel like he's much needier than me - he misses me terribly but I'm ok with spending time apart.

I know that the head-over-heels in love feeling doesn't last forever, but I don't know how much work it should be. And, truth be told, if we've only been married for 2 years and I'm already feeling like it's a huge amount of effort, how will I feel in 10, 20, 30 years time? I don't want to spend my life feeling obligated to someone.

Good Morning Bec,
I agree with Temperance and do not think she is out of line at all.

I agree whole heartedly and also strongly suggest counseling for you alone as well as marriage counseling. But please, shop around. Be sure you find one who is pro-marriage.
I know there are suggestions on how to find a good marriage counselor some where on SYMC, I just cannot seem to find it right now. Sorry.

Have you read thru this site?
Especially this section? Get started here

Bec, it is our strong belief at SYMC that all marriages can be saved and grow to be healthier and more fulfilling. And we also know it takes investment on both partners' part. Investment in the future. Perhaps that looks like "work" to some, but perhaps if you were to try and see it as that "investment" with a long term pay off, a shift in thinking, it would not seem so daunting. A little bit of work, maintenance everyday, as if tending a garden, will bring great rewards.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hypatia_SYMC,

But how do you know if your marriage is something that you want to save? Do you try to work things out just because you feel like you should, or do you do it because you genuinely want to stay with that person?

I don't know where to draw the line. At the moment, I'm enjoying not having my husband around. I'm going out with friends, I don't even think about him at all, I don't miss him, I like being able to do what I want, when I want. I feel like, if our marriage was worth saving, these things wouldn't even be an issue. At the moment, I'm not looking forward to his return at all. Isn't that a sign that something is wrong?

Becs.. Welcome to SYMC!! I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here.. and you came to a very good place.

Granted you are young and wonder if you didn't choose to soon, or make a mistake, or if its worth saving. And you worry about the long term.

So..

Do you remember your vows?

To love, honor, cherish, in times of sickness and in health, for long as you both shall live?
What does that sentence mean to you?
What does that vow mean to you?

Do you remember how you felt about your H when you fell in love? What did that feel like then?

quote:

it's quite clear that he loves me dearly, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I admit I fell into the "young and in love" trap, without fully considering what being a spouse entails. My love for him has been turned into me just being comfortable with our relationship.

Actually that "comfortableness" that you feel about your spouse IS love. It is part of what that heady, intoxicating first love turns into when it grows into a more mature attachment relationship.

And if you were to leave your H and go off to sow your oats.. looking for a substitute for what you left behind.. eventually.. you'd find that out all over again.

but thats neither here nor there.

Lets get back to your doubts and your issues with THIS marriage.

quote:

It's constantly just the two of us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that makes me feel like I'm a prisoner.

it usually ends up with me doing something and him just sitting at home waiting for me to come back. Then I feel guilty for wanting to spend some time on my own.

If you are together 24/7.. do you work together as well? What is it that you do that you do not have seperate time for yourself?

So, when you do take time for yourself, if your H chooses to sit home waiting for you.. that is his choice. No one is forcing him to do so. If you go out and then feel guilty for doing so that is your choice. He is not making you choose to feel guilty. You are.

So why do you feel guilty? What happens when you do that? What is the dialogue in your head when you do that?

And what, if anything, does your H say or do that might contribute to that feeling?

quote:

I'm not sure how I can handle the next few months that he's still away. I hate that I feel obligated to say "I love you" at the end of each phone conversation when I don't mean it, but I don't want to bring up my concerns while he is far away and unable to do anything.

It is very hard to be feeling this way and have your H far away. Is there any way you can go and be with him while he's out of town? or make arrangements to visit each other on a regular basis?

why do you choose not to tell him that you are worried about your relationship because he is so far away?

quote:

I feel like I'm just giving up on our marriage but, at the moment, I don't want to stay in it.

Bec.. I'm laughing. I'm sorry.. but the 411 is on this one? Many times during a marriage one might feel this. And many things will cause that.
Stress, worry, depression..

Another thing that absolutely will cause this kind of feeling is letting a 3rd party into the intimate details of your marriage. Of letting a 3rd party into intimacy with you.

because of all the heady chemicals that roll around your head when you become enthralled with someone. We call that the Chemical Fog or addictive fog. Its actually programmed into us as human beings. So that is something you need to be aware of... and it is very powerful and overwhelming. So much so it can alter the feelings of comfortablness and attachment to your H.

quote:

But how do you know if your marriage is something that you want to save? Do you try to work things out just because you feel like you should, or do you do it because you genuinely want to stay with that person?

The first reason is your integrity and respecting, upholding and committing to your vows.

You know there is a saying "marriage doesn't make you happy. Marriage makes you married".

Bec.. you chose to get married. I will assume no one forced you into it. With that comes the responsibility and the sacred commitment you made to do so. Breaking that for just "wanting to be my 24 year old self".. sounds pretty selfish. (by the way I was married at 22)

So, let me ask you this? Is there someone that you are thinking about aside from your H? that you have let into some kind of intimacy with you? Even if its just talking?

Loui

quote:

If you are together 24/7.. do you work together as well? What is it that you do that you do not have seperate time for yourself?

So, when you do take time for yourself, if your H chooses to sit home waiting for you.. that is his choice. No one is forcing him to do so. If you go out and then feel guilty for doing so that is your choice. He is not making you choose to feel guilty. You are.

So why do you feel guilty? What happens when you do that? What is the dialogue in your head when you do that?

And what, if anything, does your H say or do that might contribute to that feeling?

Ok, I guess I should clarify what I mean by "24/7". We do not work together. I guess my point on the whole 24/7 thing was that, whenver we're not at work, it's just the two of us. Which feels like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I feel guilty about wanting to do things on my own because I feel like I'm deserting him. While he doesn't really say anything, I can tell by the look on his face that he's disappointed I won't be there. I feel like he's very needy sometimes, and that's hard for me to deal with. I've always been very independent, so to have someone who constantly needs to be around me is hard.

He isn't interested in going out and doing things on his own - I try to encourage him to go out and have a "boys" night with his co-workers who are of similar ages, but he doesn't want to. So he just sits at home, and if I go out, I'll get calls asking when I'm coming back.

quote:

It is very hard to be feeling this way and have your H far away. Is there any way you can go and be with him while he's out of town? or make arrangements to visit each other on a regular basis?

why do you choose not to tell him that you are worried about your relationship because he is so far away?

He's overseas, so seeing him is not an option.

I didn't want to voice my concerns while he's over there because I know what he's like - he'll sit there and stew over it for the duration of his trip. He's already having a tough time being there, and I don't want to make it harder for him.

I don't only feel this way because he's been gone - it's been like this for a while. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, our love life is mundane, unless we're talking about the house or our dogs we don't really have much to talk about.

quote:

Bec.. you chose to get married. I will assume no one forced you into it. With that comes the responsibility and the sacred commitment you made to do so. Breaking that for just "wanting to be my 24 year old self".. sounds pretty selfish. (by the way I was married at 22)

Yes, I realize that my thinking that is selfish. Maybe that's the point - I'm not ready to be self-less and commit to being with him. Maybe it was a mistake for me to say that I was willing to commit to him for forever if I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to do. We have been together for about 3 1/2 years...I feel like we rushed into everything and I'm not ready.

We've been talking about moving to a new city and potentially having children, and I want to be sure I'm ok with this before kids are in the picture. I almost feel like the whole moving and kids thing is a bandaid - I feel like having a new house gives us something to focus on so we don't have to focus on our relationship.

And, yes, there is someone else I have been speaking to. In my original post I mentioned that I recently slept with another man. It happened once, and we are no longer speaking, but it did happen.

quote:

And, yes, there is someone else I have been speaking to. In my original post I mentioned that I recently slept with another man. It happened once, and we are no longer speaking, but it did happen.

Just as a little exercise, can you honestly tell us how you feel about this other man?

As well as answering these..

quote:

Do you remember your vows?

To love, honor, cherish, in times of sickness and in health, for long as you both shall live?
What does that sentence mean to you?
What does that vow mean to you?

Do you remember how you felt about your H when you fell in love? What did that feel like then?

Loui

Oh, BEC, what I would do to give you a crystal ball so you could see how things would play out if you follow your feelings, because feelings ain't facts, no matter how alluring they may seem. See, the things is...we never get what we're looking for so long as we're looking outside of ourselves for the answer. And quite often we end up getting just the opposite of what we thought we'd get when we push things to happen and then we are in a terrible predicament wishing for what we once had. I agree you should not play a charade and pretend you're feeling otherwise. I also agree moving and having children would indeed be a temporary "fix" to the problem. I also understand what a drag it is to have someone so utterly devoted and/or enmeshed with you that they want to know your every move and wait for your imminent return...that is definitely a turn-off because subconsciously we all desire a challenge and it's no challenge to have a lap-dog for a husband. It's suffocating, I'm sure. Yet, somehow I get the picture that he's the type of guy that would wipe your butt for you if both your arms were broken or risk his own life to save yours. And if I'm right... that kind of love should not be dismissed too readily because that is what mature love IS. I still think that the answer is in honesty and in counseling where you could lay how you feel about his chronic neediness/atachment out on the table. I don't think it's terrible that you don't miss him, but I do think it would be a terrible tragedy for yourself and for your marriage to act om your feelings at this point in time without thoroughly and honestly pursuing help for the relationship. Even if you've told him how you want him to pursue his own interests and not be overly-attached to you, there is still something about counseling that makes us heard for the "first" time.

quote:

Originally posted by Sleepy~SYMC:

quote:

And, yes, there is someone else I have been speaking to. In my original post I mentioned that I recently slept with another man. It happened once, and we are no longer speaking, but it did happen.

Just as a little exercise, can you honestly tell us how you feel about this other man?

At the time, I really enjoyed being with him. We had met out one night, and had been talking for a week or so before "it" happened. Now, I'm not sure. I would like to say that I don't care about him but, honestly, if he called I would probably get a little excited. I'm trying desperately not to think about him, and I'm making no effort to contact him.

quote:

Do you remember your vows?

To love, honor, cherish, in times of sickness and in health, for long as you both shall live?
What does that sentence mean to you?
What does that vow mean to you?

Do you remember how you felt about your H when you fell in love? What did that feel like then?

That vow, to me, simply means I promise to stick by him, even when the going gets tough. I know that. But, I wonder if I too quickly jumped to say that. I mean, when you're young and in love you think you'll be together forever. When you're giddy-in-love you say and do anything to be with that person, but just because you're giddy-in-love doesn't mean that person is really the right one for you.

Anyway, I spoke to him today and told him how I was feeling. I did NOT tell him about the other man, though. That can either wait until he gets home or get buried away (and yes, I know you're going to tell me that I have to tell him...I'm just not ready yet). He said he plans on talking to one of the counsellors there to see if he can work out some of his issues. He said that when he gets back, things will be a lot different. He recognizes that he's too needy, and he really wants to change that. I have my doubts, though, because we've had this conversation many many times before and nothing has ever changed.

I'm planning on going to talk to someone here also. I'm still not sure that I want to be in this marriage, but I'm going to talk to someone about it and see how I feel.

quote:

I'm planning on going to talk to someone here also. I'm still not sure that I want to be in this marriage, but I'm going to talk to someone about it and see how I feel.

That's a great idea.

And as long as you're moving in the right direction like that, maybe you could also resolve to have absolutely zero contact with OM?

See,it's impossible to think with a clear head and make wise choices until any emotion for him exists. That can take a long while.