My story...

XW(41) and I (42) experienced serious financial problems mainly caused by me(no gambling). We lived in a beautiful house, drove nice cars and had money. I made poor financial choices and they lasted for 3 years until my XW wanted out. We have 2 children D6 and S5. Last July my XW states that she wants out of the marriage(ILYBNLILWY).

On that very day, she began an emotional affair with a recently divorced neighbor who she was introduced to by a friend of hers. I knew right away that something was going on and I confronted her. I got the "he is just a friend" speech and he is just being supportive since he went through a divorce himself.

She asked me to move out and I refused since I would not leave my family but also knowing that she was talking to another man. Well, she moved out 7 weeks later all the while talking to OM on secret pay cell phones and our home phone. I had to endure 7 weeks of pure hell and all I got from her was anger, yelling, blame and everything else.

She went to a divorce attorney within 2 days after she dropped the bomb. Pushed the divorce down my throat meanwhile she was involved with the OM. We settled by mediation and finalized our divorce this past July. She has lied again and again and stated that I was "making it out to be more than it is" really...!!!

So here we are today and now she has brought the OM to meet her family, she has brought my children to meet him and his 3 children(I was not even given the courtesy of being told she was introducing our children to the OM). She said: "they should meet him since he will be a part of their lives for quite some time". She has said that they have a future together and that I should find someone and be happy.

So here I am...

- My wife left me because of finances
- She began an affair while still living under the same roof with me and our children
- She gets child support
- Now appears to be making a dash to remarriage and the ink is barely dry on the papers
- She is bringing my children in direct contact with OM(divorced w/3 children)

I am just trying to work through this. I have stayed true to my vows throughout our separation. I have dated no one and not been involved physically with any woman. I need to heal alone and am so far from ready to get involved with any one.

I really loved her but she betrayed me in one of the worse ways a spouse can do to another.

Why is this so hard to get over?

Does any one care to comment on where SHE is at mentally/emotionally right now??

How can a mother expose her children to breaking apart a family, taking them away from their father and bring the OM around them so quickly??

Thanks for reading

MMF

I wish I had all the answers you are looking for. I know someone here will be able to give you more insight.

It seems "quickly" to you but maybe she has been heading in this direction for a long time without you realizing it. You don't just wake up one day and ask for a seperation or divorce and start a new relationship in the same day. There had to be more leading up to this that you just didn't see it coming. Was there more to the problem than finances? Although that can be a huge issue, how did you treat her, respect her, pay attention to her? If you were the cause for the financial duress, she probably saw that as disrespect towards her and your kids by not providing them with security. Lots of unanswered questions here about what led up to it so it's hard to know where she is coming from.

Keep coming here, one of the mods will be able to ask you all the right things to help you get the answers your looking for.

MMF,

I'm so sorry. You've come to the best place for advise. I come here when my head swims and I have sleepless nights. My husband left 6 years ago suddenly. It has been the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I had no clue we had serious problems. People here hurt and know how to help and what you are going through. Sometimes life and things that happen just don't add up. Treat yourself to things you enjoy. Wrap your head around small things that make you happy. Maybe a swim, or a book, a song, anything. There are people here that can help you understand how she is thinking and maybe that will help you. New love is like a special drug but it does wear off after time when the real world settles in.

People here can help and I promise.. I promise things will improve.


tj

quote:

I have stayed true to my vows throughout our separation.

You are not just separated now, though. You are divorced. I see sometimes in your post you call her XW, and sometimes you refer to her as your W. Evidence, IMO, of your conflict.

All of these things are OK, I am not knocking it. Promise. I have been there, done that, and I have a closet full of T-shirts! I still refer mentally to X's 2nd A partner as OW - even though we are D'd. She will always be that to me. Even if they stop lying about their secret relationship (still, after 2 years!) and bring it out in the open, I will always think of her as the OW. Because she butted into a marriage before it was over. That is MY perspective.

Their perspective is that both her marriage and our marriage were over and they were just putting the last nail in the coffin. Well, that may be true. But the way they chose to go about it will always cast doubt in my mind. And those are the natural consequences that THEY have to live with.

You have your own consequences. And they suck. It is the grieving of the death of a relationship. One that you weren't done with yet. You might find over time that you were more done than you think you were right now (hindsight can be a curse and a gift), but right now you are so close to the pain..........

This is a very hard thing, MMF. There are times when X has the boys and I am here at home by myself and I get SO ANGRY that I cannot be with my kids whenever I want to. Then I go take a bath. Or go shopping. Or tackle a house/yard project. There are other times that I enjoy the fact that I know my kids are safe with their father, having fun, and I can go camping with my friends and act like an idiot and they don't have to see it! ;-) Or go out dancing with my friends and not worry about being home on time.

My D was final two February's ago. I have much more time in this than you do. But please believe that you can get through this. You can be happy again. You can come to peace with the events as they have transpired and take the reins of your life again and create the kind of life you want.

Keep coming here. Keep reading and posting. It is a process. For all that us humans are unique, we are just as similar.

Spidey

Thanks to the replies so far.

What I have been reading about and trying to understand is how she can go from a wife/mother to someone so selfish?

Walking out, breaking the family apart while starting an affair ???

Where is her head at? Is her selfishness that strong to divide her family and deprive our children of a stable family? Not to mention that OM is already in place to be her new husband

I guess 15 years and 2 children don't matter when she sees the OM as this perfect human being and I am the demon...

MMF

quote:

What I have been reading about and trying to understand is how she can go from a wife/mother to someone so selfish?

Indeed. And a very good question! I have asked myself that about....a bazillion times. And asked it here probably hundreds of times. The short answer - Who knows.

Get your head out of Her head, Her business, and back into Your head, Your business.

She made her choices, and she will have to live with them. Believe me, they are not without consequences. Nobody can escape the natural consequences of their actions. And intellectually at least (if not emotionally yet) you must understand her choices were so much about her and her way (or not) of coping with what was going on inside of her.....and so very little about you and her kids....

{{{{{{{{{{MMF}}}}}}}}}

That is the old-fashioned way we used to give Hugs. ;-)

The reason is the neurobiology of the infatuation aspect of the mating and pairing drive. In real people language what that means is what you are seeing is a direct result of the normal and natural chemicals the body produces in order to make sure humans "fall in love" and reproduce.

It's lovely when that drive gets triggered when we're free to fall in love and the other person is as well. Our biology is, however, not discerning in that way and it often happens that we fall in love with someone when it would be better if we had not.

So. What happens in this mating and pairing drive? Well .... what happens is exactly what you're seeing - and more.

The beloved takes on movie star like qualities. Larger than life. Beautiful. Perfect. All good qualities are magnified. Any less than lovely qualities become the size of a gnat (and remember - the beloved is big screen size so a gnat is pretty darn small). AND any reasons why the relationship should not, could not, would not, work become about the size of half a gnat.

On top of all that ... as if that wasn't enough ... the rest of life pales in comparison. Black and white 12 inch tv next to the full technicolor silver screen. It's not that she doesn't love and care about your children ... it's that what is happening in her brain makes it virtually impossible to really see the situation with anything even approaching rational, logical, thought. She. Can't. Do. It. Or, if she can in rare moments, she's almost immediately pulled back into the lovely state of what feels like cotton candy floating in her brain.

The infatuation phase of the mating and pairing drive lasts anywhere from 6 mos to 3 years without intervention. In some cases where there are big barries and taboos - especially distance and lots of secrecy - it can last for years.

If you want to know more I'd strongly encourage you to go to amazon used and order Helen Fisher's "Why We Love".

And then ... what is it you want to do with all this? Are they married yet? If not you have the option of getting your ducks in a row and waiting it out to see if the affair ends and if she's willing to engage in a discussion about reconciling with you.

P

Yesterday, XW says that I think she is a b...h and that my stating to others that she cheated is unfair because when she started with OM she "WAS DONE".

How are you going MMF?

Mags,

Thanks for asking. I am on an endless roller-coaster of emotions. My XW comes at me about money issues constantly. Complaining that she has no money as my CS is not enough to support 3(her and our 2 children). Yet, she lives rent-free and doesn't work(back in school).

What I do not understand is that she has indicated that she and the OM are moving toward marriage. However, I get no sense that he is helping her financially in any way. All I know is if I was that serious about someone who had children and she was struggling, I would extend a hand. If this was someone I intended to have a long term relationship with, I would help her financially.

She still has no idea what I have been going through emotionally trying to deal with her A. I know that an A is a symptom of marital issues but she has no clue how much hurt she has caused by this. The thought of her marrying him and he being a step-father to my children makes me so angry.

I know that we wouldn't be here today if I was a better man and husband. I can only improve myself and hope that I will get another chance to bring my family back together.

I love her very much and I know I can forgive but do I compromise my values for the sake of my family?

Not sure...

MMF

quote:

I know that we wouldn't be here today if I was a better man and husband.

Yikes, ya can't say that! Affairs happen in perfect marriages. Mine was in that category - my wife had no room for improvement at all. An affair is (IMO) ALWAYS about the WS and comes from a selfish place.

Don't bear this burden on your shoulders MMF.

quote:

However, I get no sense that he is helping her financially in any way.

Yessss ... why would he if you're willing to do it? So, I'm not saying don't help your children but ... if she wants to be single and to be in a relationship with someone else then you need to let her fail on her own. If it's things the children need, glasses, contacts, dental, school supplies, and you want to contribute then pay for those things directly. But really - if she's hurting she can get a job or ask OM for help.

quote:

I know that an A is a symptom of marital issues

Noooooo ..... an affair is a symptom of a breakdown of personal values/integrity. Affairs happen in really good marriages just as they do in marriages that have issues.

quote:

I know that we wouldn't be here today if I was a better man and husband.

Really? Certainly your marriage might have been in a better place ... but even that does not preclude the possibility of an affair. There are many factors that go into what happens when someone has an affair -- to blame yourself is not only not real it's not helpful in moving forward.

quote:

but do I compromise my values for the sake of my family?

Talk to me about what values you think you would need to compromise.

P

My values on fidelity are unbreakable. There is no excuse for being unfaithful ESPECIALLY against the person you made a promise to before God.

Adultery is so horrible that I would cut off a limb before I would do that to my wife(and my children).

Even though our marriage had problems, I never ONCE thought about cheating and my ring never left my hand

So if I did consider reconciling(if it ever was an option), I would have to accept her adultery and compromise an unbreakable value of mine.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MissMyFamily,

quote:

My values on fidelity are unbreakable. There is no excuse for being unfaithful ESPECIALLY against the person you made a promise to before God.

Agreed.

quote:

Adultery is so horrible that I would cut off a limb before I would do that to my wife(and my children).

Yes.

quote:

Any man that cheats on his wife OR gets involved with another man's wife is a [edited].

Not sure I would agree entirely ... and actually I'm going to ask that you remove the name calling .....

What I might amend that to say is any man that ..... is harming himself and others and is therefore perpetrating an unethical act.

quote:

Even though our marriage had problems, I never ONCE thought about cheating and my ring never left my hand

Yes.

quote:

So if I did consider reconciling(if it ever was an option), I would have to accept her adultery and compromise an unbreakable value of mine.

Ahhhhh .... but that's not violating your values. Your boundaries, perhaps - and we can talk about that more. But your values are about how YOU live your life. You have not been unfaithful so your value of fidelity has not been compromised. Your boundary about what you expect from an intimate partner and fidelity most certainly has. It's really important to make the distinction.

Either way though ..... you will, at some point, need to accept the infidelity. There is no undoing - it's happened - so acceptance means reconciling yourself to that fact. What you don't have to accept is that it is (or was) ok. Even if you reconcile you don't have to accept that.

And then I would challenge you to think about your values in larger terms .... how do they speak to forgiveness, raising children with or without one parent, the vows you took that said "for better or worse" .... the picture is almost always bigger than a single issue.

Have you looked at the Values and Boundaries thread I have? It's designed to make you give those things some hard reflection.

hugs,

P

Penny,

I respectfully retract the characterization in my previous post.

This whole situation just never gets better. Not seeing my children is killing me. Yet, I didn't cheat, I didn't leave my family and I have to accept visitation and having to pay my XW for leaving.

May I ask for some thoughts...

My XW is pushing this new relationship so fast. My children are meeting up with the OM and his kids every weekend she has them.

What is the rush??

Our children are going through a difficult transition and she is barreling towards remarriage.

My D6 mentioned that they were at his house and he had "his arms around Mommy"

We are not even officially divorced yet !!!

Can any one shed some light on what is happening here?

Thanks

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MissMyFamily,

Sometimes I believe that there is guilt that drives that emotional rush to remarry.

wanting some semblence of normalcy and regaining the balance she had inside of your marriage. Of course thats just silly in that yours is a marriage built on long term bonds and this new one is built on a short term house of cards.

It seems to me that people who do this are not willing or able to look at the turmoil inside themselves cause its just too painful. Much easier to believe that if we change the exterior situation, the interior one will fix itself.

Unfortunately the kids get dragged into it and they really have no say in the matter (at least not until they are old enough to).

Whats the rush?
the chemicals my friend.. they make you think completely irrationally.

A friend of mine recently divorced started dating a man that she had an emotional affair with while she was married. All I heard for like 5 months is they are 'soulmates', this is 'forever', bleh, bleh, bleh. No matter what I said about slowing down. About the chemical fog of new relationship...about NOT rushing... neither of them listened. Luckily they did not get married (though they talked about it). Its now 11 months later. They broke up.

Why? Because real life set in. Real relationship rules set in. And relationship feels and behaves completely different than new love fog.

So whats her rush? She's not thinking clearly. Thats what.

Loui

Thanks for the input.

I just try to get a handle on WHY ??

Why can I be disposed of like yesterday's newspaper and be treated like an evil person?

My XW and I went through so much just to have children. She was having a hard time getting pregnant and even sought therapy. I was there for every doctor visit, specialist and procedure. I gave her fertility injections and was there when she lost her first after 6 weeks.

We still kept going and I was there to support her throughout. Our daughter was a frozen embryo and we are blessed with her and my son followed 13 months later(natural)

I was there when our 3rd child was born prematurely and died. We cried while holding that small innocent child.

Now...I am evil and she probably looks at OM and wishes I wasn't the father of her children. It feels that she is trying to replace me with him as their father and IT HURTS !!!

Somehow my existence repulses her and any good and honorable acts on my part never existed

Hey MMF...

I skimmed thru your posts here and I must have missed it.. how old are your children?

Listen.. I know it doesn't feel like it or look like it, but really, really the truth of this is not about you. Its not about whether you were a good husband or a bad husband. Its not about whether you are a good father or a bad father. Its not about whether you were there for her or not.

And it certainly is NOT about you being evil.

Affairs are about the person who is having the affair. You are being blamed and treated as such because your wife is unable to look inside herself to see where her values have been compromised. That her self esteem and integrity is basically.. for lack of a better term.. in the toilet.

The affair is NOT about you...unfortunately though you are the one that is rocked with the fallout.

Now you can slow things down and take your time.. you do NOT have to do anything.

So for tonight, may I suggest that you sit back, watch some TV...order in something healthy to eat (and tasty)...and just empty your head of all these things running at 110 mph and focus on you. Do you meditate? How about going and getting a massage for those shoulders that are probably up around your ears.. a calming walk in a quiet nature filled place?

Do something that is just for your mental well being.

Whaddya say?


Loui

My XW said to me today that she may be rushing things with OM. She added that she is trying to move on and she is 42 and soon to be 50. Her life is passing by and the kids will grow up quickly. She is in a rush to settle down with OM and start a new family(I really don't think she wants that)

She still blames me for us not having a 3rd child since after her miscarriage, we were not in a position financially/insurance for another. She is bitter that I took that away from her.

Yet, she tells me she is not where she wants to be financially, home-wise and even ROMANTICALLY!!

She still denies that her current relationship is the same guy she started with when we were still together.

When we were finishing she started to cry !!

Why is she not willing to try for our kids and feel that we can recapture the "LOVE"